First of all, you should probably live in Manhattan, because there are several aspects of this story that are non-transferrable from one city to the other. Also, New York has been dealing with the most disgusting, humid weather on the entire planet which creates the most disgusting, putrid smells, and this really creates a unique ambiance in which to live your day. This is also great because you happen to be suffering from a summer cold, which has, for the last five days, resulted in you steadily losing your voice and developing a hacking cough.
One of the most important aspects for a horrible day is to try wearing those cute Ralph Lauren sandals you bought last month. This is very important because these sandals gave you horrible blisters when you were in Savannah, but you figure that it’s a hot, humid day, so why not try them again and see if your feet are worn in by now? SPOILER ALERT: They aren’t. More on this later.
Then, you should probably live next to the 1st/2nd Ave train station in the East Village/LES. This is VERY IMPORTANT because there will be a fire in the station, which will force you to trudge over to the Broadway/Lafayette Station in the hot, humid weather. This wouldn’t be a huge deal normally and would only make you a few minutes late, except remember those cute Ralph Lauren sandals? Yeah. These sandals will start to create huge gaping wounds on the top of your feet and enormous, mountainous blisters on the bottom of your feet. We’re definitely cooking by now. But let’s see if it can get worse!
Time for work. Thankfully, you’re still training, which is a blessing. But when it comes to lunchtime, your poor feet are still aching and you are in desperate need of Band-Aids, so you hobble over to the local drugstore, hacking and wheezing, and buy Band-Aids and cough medicine, a desperate attempt to resume some sort of health and normalcy in your life. So you hobble back to the office, put on the Band-Aids and take your medicine. Everything’s good now, right? WRONG.
You happen to work in the fashionable area of Chelsea, which has a great many shops at your disposal. These are great because you can go shopping after work at H&M and Zara and all those neat European clothing stores you enjoy so much. You are going to a wedding this weekend in Atlanta and you definitely want to look your best. So you start looking through the stores and trying on clothing. Except nothing looks good! Everything looks awful! And those Band-Aids you purchased happen to be falling off your feet like Pizza the Hut’s toppings. (And the Spaceballs reference, while it makes you smile, doesn’t make your feet hurt any less. Sorry.) It takes you about half an hour to hobble back to the F train. OH WAIT, GUESS WHAT? The downtown entrance for the F train is on the EXACT OTHER SIDE OF THE SUBWAY PLATFORM. Hobble hobble hobble. Hack hack hack.
You finally make it to the F train and you make the arduous trek home. You have already promised that you would attend your weekly trivia night with your friends, so you wash and bandage your oozing, disgusting, raw, red feet and you hobble over to the bar. Finally, you say, it’s all over. Finally, you say, you can breathe easy.
And then you bomb all the questions, including an entire topic on sports, which is bullshit. Because YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SPORTS. You meekly spurt out a Wayne Gretzky answer and you go home and watch that new show about OCD on A&E because sometimes it just helps to know that some people have it worse, you know?
And then, you put it all in perspective in that at least you’re not exercising for 3 hours a day or washing your hands raw.